Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
