i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
