everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
