I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
