He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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