somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
