I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
