the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
