Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
