Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
