the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
