I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
