Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
