I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
