i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
