nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
