My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
