he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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