Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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