I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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