there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
