So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My dick has a subreddit
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
