I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
