It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
