He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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