just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
