also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
