i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
