Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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