Apparently you make a good broom.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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