I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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