You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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