I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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