Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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