Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
