I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
