took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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