Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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