see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
