Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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