we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
