I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
As shirtless as possible
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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