I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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