I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
