im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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