Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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