oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
