Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
