Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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