cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
