a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
