i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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