You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
