I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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