So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
