I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize