if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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