I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize