ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
