saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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