you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
